Navigating Grandparent Relationships: How to get what you want without everyone ending up in tears

When it comes to the love they give your little humans, grandparents are the best, but when they spend as much time at your house as they do their own, and feel the need to offer (unsolicited) parenting advice every 5-minutes, it’s possible to feel gratitude and irritation in equal measure.

Which leaves you where exactly?  It’s not like you can avoid them, tempting as that sounds, because you know they’re just trying to help – yes, their execution is shocking, but their intentions are good – and your kids love their time with Granny and Pa, so ghosting them isn’t really an option.  Putting it all on the table and saying what you really think also probably feels tempting, but no more realistic, given the wide-reaching consequences of unleashing years of pent up frustration on your unsuspecting parents/in-laws. 

Fortunately, those aren’t your only two options.  There’s a way to address the issues you need to address without too much conflict and drama, you just need to choose your words wisely and be strategic in your approach.  Exactly what you say and how you say it will differ a little depending on the issue at hand, but if you follow the tips below, you’ll start on the right track. 

It’ll take more than one conversation – old habits die hard and all that – but if you’re consistent and stick to your plan, things will start to change, and you’ll feel happier and less stressed/resentful/irritated as a result.  And if the thought of being assertive makes you break out in a cold sweat, think in small steps.  Start with an easier conversation or issue first, then once you have success with that, tackle a larger issue.  If your irritation’s getting more, not less, it’ll be worth it longer-term.         

Get Your Partner On-Board First

Before you do anything, no matter what your plan, make sure you and your partner are on the same page.  If it’s your parents you’re struggling with, having your partner on board will make for a smoother, more supported transition to better boundaries.  If it’s your partner’s parents wearing you down, you definitely want him/her on board before you proceed.  Skip this step and you run the risk of antagonising not just your in-laws, but your husband/wife/partner as well, and you want to avoid things escalating on multiple fronts if you can. 

Find time to sit down with your partner and talk through the issues you’re having.  Try to be as specific as you can – use examples –  and if there’re a number of things irritating you, pick the two most irritating issues, and focus on these first.  Trying to fix everything at once will get you no-where fast.  It’ll feel like a slower start, but you’ll be more effective if you approach things sequentially. 

Once you’ve identified your key points of irritation, problem solve, and come up with a plan you’re both comfortable with.  And not to harp on too much about it, but that last part is key.  If your partner’s not comfortable with your plan of action, they won’t back you when push comes to shove, so make sure when they say they’re happy with the plan they’re actually happy with the plan, and not just saying they’re happy to bring the conversation to a close.  And if knowing what your plan should look like is keeping you stuck – use the ideas below to guide you.   

Be Honest and Say What You Want/Need

Generally speaking, grandparents do what they do to try to be helpful – yes, I know, it’s hard to get on board with that theory when their actions are more unhelpful than helpful – but it’s true, and it also means that clear communication is your best bet when it comes to addressing points of irritation. 

So instead of biting your tongue or dropping subtle hints, say something.  If your parent or parent-in-law is big on jumping in to ‘help’ when your kids are misbehaving, say something like, ‘I know you intervene to help me and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.  Sometimes though I feel like you’re jumping in because you think I don’t have a handle on things, and it makes me feel insecure.  I know I need to work on changing my mindset on that, and I will, but what would also really help with my confidence is having the opportunity to try to handle things myself first, knowing that if or when I need it, I can ask you for help.’ 

Likewise, if your parent or parent-in-law offers ‘helpful’ advice on everything parent related whether you’ve asked for it or not, speak up.  Say something like, ‘I really appreciate everything you do to help us.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everyone’s parenting advice, and at the moment, I’m trying to figure out what works through trial and error.  I know sometimes the parenting decisions we make are different from what you would do, but having your support really means a lot to us.  What would really help me is feeling like I have your support no matter what, and knowing you’ll support us by putting our plan into action, even if it’s a bit different from the approach you’d usually take.’

Be clear, respectful, and polite, but don’t be afraid to say what you want/need. 

Say No (Or Use a Modified Yes)

If saying what you want/need means saying no, ignore how uncomfortable you feel, and say it anyway.  I promise with practice, it gets easier.  But if getting over that initial ‘no’ hurdle proves too challenging, try using a modified yes.  If your parent/parent-in-laws want to come over for lunch, but you’ve been counting down to nap time so you can have some shut eye yourself, say yes to them coming over, but no to the time they’ve suggested – ‘We’d love to see you today. Lunch time is tricky, but we’d love to have you over around 3-ish for coffee and afternoon tea?’ 

And if there’s push back, ‘We’re meeting our friends for afternoon tea, lunch would work better. We’ll see you at 1pm?’, hold your ground, ‘Lunch is out for us today unfortunately, we could do slightly later this afternoon, say 4pm, if that works better, or lunch tomorrow.  Which works best for you?’

You’ll probably get some push back when you start saying no or modifying your yes’s, but don’t let that deter you.  The more consistent you are, the faster you parents/parent-in-laws will adjust to the new state of play, so stick with it.  

Be Vulnerable

When you’re feeling irritated, being vulnerable in your communication will be a challenge, but it’ll also increase your effectiveness ten-fold, so try it before you write it off as an approach.  Blame-orientated statements like, ‘it’s really annoying when you   ’ will only pit you and your parent/parent-in-law on opposite sides of the problem.  Collaborating on a solution will work more in your favour, but it’s hard to have a collaborative conversation when you’re highlighting a point of conflict.  Communicating from a vulnerable standpoint will help. 

Start by looking underneath your anger to understand why what’s happening bothers you so much.  If your parent/parent-in-law doesn’t play by the rules when you’ve asked them to follow your toddler’s routine for example, what is it about that that bothers you so much?  Is it that you feel that their actions are dismissive and disrespectful?  Or is what you’re really upset about the fact that your parent/parent-in-laws actions are pushing you out of your comfort zone and challenging your need for control – your main method of coping with parenting anxiety?  

Once you’ve figured out why you’re so bothered, articulate that in a vulnerable way.  For example, ‘One of the things that has really helped me cope with parenthood is having a routine.  I know sometimes I can be a bit rigid and regimented, but it’s how I cope.  I’m working on being more flexible, but I also know that sticking to a good routine in the day means we all get more sleep at night, so I’m trying to find the right balance.  I would love for you to be more involved and spend more time with Harry/Sally, but involving other people makes me anxious, because I worry that others won’t follow the routine that I know is really important.  One of the things that would really help me to let go, is to know that within reason, you’ll try to stick to the routine we follow, at least so long as it’s needed.  Would that be something you’re able to help me with?’

Plan what you’ll say and how you’ll say it ahead of time, and choose your words wisely.  How successful you’ll be at getting what you want/need will depend on the tone of your pitch, so start the conversation when you’re feeling calm and relatively relaxed, not irritated or upset.  

Pick Your Battles

Before you jump in, it’s worthwhile reflecting on whether this particular issue is a battle worth fighting.  If it’s a recurring issue and one that bothers you a lot, then diving in may well be the best approach, but if it’s an issue you can manage by adjusting your expectations, and/or if it’s relatively minor in the grand scheme of things – like the huge amount of help and support your parents or parent-in-laws offer overall – leaving well enough alone might be the most effective course of action.

Weigh up the pros and cons before you take a stance.  And yes, it might mean accepting that when your kids spend time with Nanny and Grandad, all bets are off and sugar will be consumed, but if accepting that means less stress and frustration overall – is it maybe worth it?       

Have a question?  Send me a message here and I’ll answer it for you.